voyeur
by xMailMattx
Summary: Near watches Matt and Mello's relationship through the years. "I am not a voyeur. No, I am not a voyeur. I’m just never far away from these events, yet never quite involved. I’m just…" Near-centric, maybe other's thoughts at times.
1. prologue

Hello to everyone! This is my first story here. It will (hopefully) be a multi-chaptered fan fiction, the anime is deathnote, the pair is Matt and Mello with some hinted Near And Matt. This story is rated M for a reason (yaoi, spanking, dark themes etc.) so please click the little "x" on this window if you any of the things mentioned make you uncomfortable, or you just dislike them. For those of you sticking around I am okay with critique, please be polite/gentle about it though. I would like some comments, but no flames please. Love not hate guys :3

Disclaimer: I do not own Deathnote, Matt, Mello, or Near.

Enjoy!

Voyeur

Near watches Matt and Mello's relationship through the years. 'I'm not a voyeur. No, not really. I'm just…" Near-centric may contain some of Matt and Mello's POVs as well.

Prologue

Thud. Thud. Thud. This could have described any of three sounds right now. Well, at least any that I can think of. One; The steady sound of my own breath in my ears as I twirled a pale white strand of my hair as entertainment, or maybe two; the footsteps of the second smartest student at wammy's house speeding across the floor, or another possibility was three; the steady flow of tears dropping on the carpet trailing behind the said-student's path. It's not like anyone else was here to help me clarify my observation, though. This is because I do not have any companions. I am only in the presence of others if I am forced or feel the need to make an observation. I am here strictly on observational purposes. Now what would I be observing in an almost empty hallway, minus me and only one other soul, you may ask? Nothing is my reply. I am not here to study the hall way. I am simply following its other blonde haired occupant to his destination. That, my friends, is where my observation begins.

I continue to silently trail him down the soft, red, carpeted floor to his room. He swings the painted white wooden door open and runs inside, the door not quite shutting on its own. I crouch close against the small opening that has so conveniently been left. I must be lucky today. Normally, I only hear muffled conversation through the walls but today… today will be so much more in depth. I can now see what I came for. A creamy skinned, auburn haired boy, a year younger than the one I followed here, is leaning up against the wall sitting cross-legged on the bed. He is playing a game boy. It appears to be a racing game from the reflection in his orange goggles. Now, you must be wondering why I came for such a peculiarly ordinary (minus the goggles) target to observe. It is because he is not ordinary. He is special. I am not the only one that thinks so. I could even get my rival to agree without hesitation, but probably not without a slap in the face for proposing the question. Besides, we both had different reasons for thinking, no, realizing so. We were about to observe his.

The blonde continued to run across the floor, even now in his room, until he reached the other boy. With a choked sob he jumped on top of the other and embraced him, burying his face in dark brown hair and resting his own cheek against his companion's. Then he let lose crying. The other boy simply paused his game, setting it down on the nightstand, and returned the other's embrace, burying his nose in honey-blonde hair and pressing slow kisses against the junction in between neck and shoulder. "M-Matt!" the blonde chokes out. Matt stops kissing momentarily to show he is listening. Yes, the auburn haired boy is Matt. I suppose I didn't mention that earlier… "Mello." He murmurs, urging the other to continue. Yes, the blonde's name is Mello. Matt and Mello, two M names well, aliases anyway. We'll get to that later though.

Mello sobbed a bit, and then choked out "Matt, I love you!" Matt hushed him gently so he could hear when he said "I love you too, Mello." Then there was a kiss. He continued to hush and rock him until the other was able to breath without whimpering. Mello began to speak. "Matt, lets…" he didn't have to finish. Matt knew just what he wanted. What THEY wanted. They kissed again before Matt got up and pulled down his pants and boxers, then getting hands and knees on the bed. *spank!* Mello delivered a hard blow to the other's soft, pale backside. It began to redden where it had been hit. Matt just stayed in his place, biting back any sound he would have made. *spank!* again, Matt's skin reddened. *spank!* This time a noise was drawn "A-ah!" Matt breathed. Mello quirks a brow, then says "Matt, it's only been three, gentle at that. I can't have anyone hearing us, so…" At this, he reaches in to a dresser drawer, where he extracted has a long piece of cloth. Matt sits up and lets Mello gag him with it. The display of master-slave affection was sickening.

Mello now sits down on the edge of the bed, and before Matt can resume his earlier posture, he is beckoned by his companion. "Here, Matt." He says, gesturing to his lap. Matt is now on hands and knees once more, but now his hands are on the spot of the bed in between Mello's thighs, his knees resting only inches from the other body. Matt is quivering in eager anticipation. Mello is smiling. One hand steadying the small of Matt's back, he pulls the other one away before- *spank!* "MMMMMM!" Matt whimpers through the gag. This one would be considerably louder than last time if not for the gag. It appears Mello took advantage of this and let loose hard. *spank!* "MMM!" *spank!* "MMM!" *spank!* "MMMM!"

Now, to anyone else watching, this would look like a punishment. It is not though; it is a reward for both of them. How have I come to this conclusion? Simple: through my observations. Mello and Matt are best friends, is something anyone could say. However, the true bond –the trust- between them doesn't seem to fit that category, it actually goes deeper. Mello and Matt love each other, obviously. Anyone who looked a little closer could tell you that. However, Mello and Matt are also both extremely insecure. They are both afraid the other will leave. Mello expresses this through a need to feel dominant over Matt and keep him almost captive in their relationship by showing him possession, in hopes that maybe matt will understand that he is needed. Matt expresses this by submitting himself to Mello to show him an almost inhuman level of devotion, letting him do whatever he pleases in hopes that he is wanted in the relationship. It's more than a physical pleasure. It's a psychological dependence. They are more than best friends forever, even if it is true. They are lovers as well.

About ten minutes have passed. Mello delivers a final blow and Matt a final cry. Mello pauses before his next action to let the other teen catch his breath. Once he has, the blonde pushes his auburn haired counterpart onto his back and rests on top of him, pulling off the gag. Matt takes a long intake of air and gasps on it a bit before being able to regulate his breathing. Mello kisses him gently to keep him from choking. "Matt… please… let me…" he murmurs. Matt spreads his legs, allowing Mello to fit in between them more comfortably as he tugs his love's remaining clothing off. He then removes his own. I've noted they tend to make love completely naked. I have not yet observed why. I have hypothesized it has something to do with obsession. Mello kisses the pale skin stretched across a fragile collar bone while Matt presses kisses in honey blonde hair. The brunette whimpers as the blonde's fingers violate him, stretching his puckered entrance wide. Finally, they are removed. Lips are pressed together as the younger is penetrated by the other's arousal, provoked by the earlier display. "Nnnghh- mhhhhh- mmmpph!" Matt whimpers as he is entered by a much larger width than previously. He is not in displeasure, though. He wants every moment. Mello emits a contented sigh and even smiles a bit. I always wonder why he does this. Does it feel breathtaking? I have read in many novels that it is the most wonderful experience one could have. Then again those are only novels. He begins to pull out and push back in. The more Mello does this, the more Matt seems to enjoy it, his own arousal erect now. Then again, was it during the earlier master slave role-play? I shall have to look into that manner in more detail another day. For now, I must wonder, are they equally happy? Do they both feel the same rapture, ecstasy? I shall focus on this for now.

It is maybe half an hour later. I have observed they both seem to feel a large amount of pleasure when Mello is completely in. Maybe they do feel the same amounts of enjoyment, but in different forms? Does Matt simply enjoy a submissive position in sexual intercourse (as well as the relationship in general) more than Mello would, or would Mello feel the same rapture as well? Regretfully, I may never know the answer to the question. "M-Mello!" Matt whimpered. He just released all over. "Matt." Mello half breathes half moans, shuddering. In the past this sequence seems to mark the end of their love making. It still did. Mello pulled out, and it looks as if he just released as well. There are a few drops of white, sticky liquid trickling out from where they had been so passionately connected. Mello cradles Matt in a gentle embrace and pulls the covers over the both of them. Matt returns the embrace.

"I love you, Mihael." Matt murmurs into his roommate's ear, nose buried in his hair. Said Mihael smiles and replies, "I love you too, Mail." Said Mail giggles while Mihael pets his hair. That's what I was saying about aliases. Everyone here at Wammy's has one. For safety reasons you see, nothing extravagant. I shall tell you my alias momentarily, but first I would like to clarify a few things so that you may remember my name not with disgust but with proper respect. Do you not wonder why I have chosen such a "dirty" entry to start off as a prologue to my observation journal? You must be disgusted with me. However, I assure you this was not intentional in the sense of me looking for any other's acts of intimacy. No, it is only Matt and Mello I am observing, mostly Matt. Matt is always with Mello, so therefore I observe him too. They happen to do such actions. Therefore, I observe those actions. I did not write this entry first intentionally. I just so happened to receive this journal today, therefore I wrote what I saw today. Now without further ado, may I present myself as Nate Rivers, alias Near. I have revealed my true name to you, something I am forbidden from doing, as a symbol of trust and respect. As you read my logs, I ask that you pay me the same respect in judgment of our lives as I have you. Know that I am not a voyeur. No, I am not a voyeur. I'm just never far away from these events, yet never quite involved. I'm just…


	2. adknowledged

Hello again everyone! This is the first official chapter :3 eeee so happy! Comments are loved, I need to know if anyone wants me to continue. As always (polite) critique welcomed, no flames please! Like I said last time, theres yaoi don't like don't read, but if you do like it read on! Lol, this chapter is mostly lots of soft yaoi you kind of have to squint for.

Disclaimer: I don't own Deathnote, Matt, Mello, or Near.

Chapter One: Acknowledged

I suppose you would like to know how this all started. Well, I shall tell you. In fact, I will also do one better and tell you the whole story, up to the point we are at. If you like, I may even continue to write my future observations, which will then be the present point in this… incident.

I suppose it all started that day in the playroom at Wammy's. Well, maybe that's not the best description. It was always inevitable; the way things were bound to, are and will, happen in this specific instance. Maybe I should say when we first noticed it existed. None the less, the realization was in the playroom at Wammy's. I was playing with my legos, making a control tower for optimus prime, my favorite transformer action figure. Mello was leaning against the wall opposite of me, snapping off pieces of his chocolate bar to suck on. All of the other children were playing amongst themselves with their own puzzles and toys. No one ever dared come within the vicinity of Mello or I. Numbers two and one at Wammy's. Mello was simply busy studying most of the time, and always seemed to have a cold look on his face. The hate in his ice blue eyes may have been more intense that that of dry ice. Children were simply frightened of him. As for me, I was just quiet. My personality did not frighten the children, just didn't interest them. They didn't play with me because they thought I was weird. Therefore Mello and I stayed on one side of the room on opposite walls and corners from one another (Mello didn't like me because I was first smartest, and he second. He wanted to be first.) and the other children stayed on the other. That's when the intercom came on.

"Mello and Near, please report to Roger's office. Mello and Near." A sigh was emitted. "Why do I even work here? I do dislike children… maybe I should get another job that pays more so I can buy more bugs 'to talk to' for my 'freaky bug collection'. Why is insulting me the only thing those brats can do without fighting... HOLY FUDGE OH DEAR LORD IS THIS THING STILL ON?!" There was a frantic sounding click and then laughter from all of the other children. Even Mello and I couldn't help but smile and chuckle a bit. It was true; the one time we agreed on something was when Roger was lecturing us on being anti-social. Both of us were tired of the onslaught of rambling and Mello looked at me as if to say "don't-get-used-to-this-but-for-now-truce" temporarily before saying "All of this coming from an old hermit with a freaky bug collection." I followed up with "Bet he talks to it too…" We took the opportunity to calmly exit the room during his period of shock. We were never lectured on that matter again.

As the good memory subsided Mello looked at me in confusion. We had not fought recently, how could we be in trouble? As if sensing my uncertainty as well he simply turned and began to walk to the office. I followed his example. Once we had made it to the door he opened it and we both walked in. Roger was sitting at his desk, looking flustered and embarrassed from his earlier blunder, but not angry at us. We both gave him a questioning look. "Mello, Near, as you know L wanted three possible successors for his title. Near, you are still first in line, Mello, you are still second. However, L has chosen his third." Mello visibly stiffened. My insides fluttered a bit. That's odd, they never did that… "Mello, Near, this is Matt, the third successor." He says. A thin, pale complexioned, boy with orange tinted goggles, dark chocolate-brown hair (maybe this is what drew Mello to Matt first) and a red game boy stepped forward when encouraged by Roger. This was Matt. This was inevitable. This acknowledged everything. "Matt is talented in the field of technological science, psychology and spatial skills." What this translated to is the kid's strengths are computers, understanding the pathetic human race, and he must have skills understanding the visual world. Matt did not look up. Mello stayed stiff, as did I. Who was this boy? What made L like him so much…? The room was tense as if Matt's presence was foreign, and it was. Roger cleared his throat, breaking the silence. "Mello, you and Matt will be sharing a room." Now came a moment that made Mello famous for being the exact opposite of his name's sake. "WHAT?! ROGER WHAT THE HELL! You know I don't 'play well with others'! " Roger winced at Mello's loudness. Matt might have tensed a little, but I couldn't tell. That was when I first noticed how tense he was, under his calm charade. Was he frightened? Did he feel unwelcome? He must have, the poor child. Looking back I should have offered something, anything to ease his pain. I didn't. Too late now though. It was always too late.

"Mello, I am sorry, but this was not in my control. Please don't make things harder than they have to be." The old man groveled. Mello huffed. "Whatever." That was the word that ended this famous Mello outburst. I now wonder if he only agreed this time to show Matt that if you begged him he would show mercy. Why though? Did he want Matt to submit to him from the start? It is a possibility. Mello crossed the room to get to Matt. There was a tense silence. Matt did not look up. "Matt." Mello's voice rang through the room. This seemed to prompt his to look up at Mello. Before anything else could be said, Mello's hand clamped down around Matt's wrist and began pulling him. "We're going." He offered, maybe just a bit more gently than earlier. Matt moved with him, quickly grabbing a suitcase I suppose was his. Then they both exited the room. I stayed stationary for a minute, taking everything in. Finally I took my leave a minute later.

Mello and I are in the same corridor, separated from the other children like in the playroom. It is because we are on top. Now Matt is too. Mello stopped at his door and was silent before turning to Matt. "This one is our room. Whatever you do, DO NOT mistake it for the room down the hall. That one is Near's room." Matt looks at him, clearly a little confused. "There are only two rooms in this entire corridor. One is ours one is Near's. Honestly, I wouldn't wish getting stuck with Near on you. That would be a horrible way to go." Mello confirms, chuckling. Matt looks around the hall to find that yes, there are only two rooms. He then looks at Mello. "Mello…so… you don't hate me?" He murmurs quietly. Mello. The first word uttered in our presence. To this day, I regret it hadn't been Near. Mello cocks his head. 'Hate you? I don't even know you yet! That would be stupid." He finally seems to sense Matt's uneasiness, and softens. "Matt, look, I was a little freaked out. Roger knows I don't really like people so I thought it was odd he stuck you with me. You though, you're… different. I don't know Matt, you don't seem like 'people'. You're obviously smarter if you're here. You're not like them." I wonder how he noticed so early when I look back… Matt looks at Mello and asks "Them?" Mello sits down against the wall and gestures for Matt to come next to him. He does. 'Every other idiotic brat here, every other idiotic person out there, that's them. We-" at we, Mello throws an arm over Matt's shoulders "are-" at are, he points at the himself and Matt "not-" at not he takes his free hand and throws it out in front of him in a lose fist "them." He points outward. Everything not Matt and Mello is them. Everything not Matt and Mello is… idiotic.

Matt seems to relax a little. "Yes." He agrees. Mello smiles. "Matt… If we are going to be we, you're with me. Kinda like best friends, Always. You wanna do that?" Matt looks at Mello almost sadly, and says "You're sealing your fate, you know. No one ever stays-" Mello cuts him off. "No, Matt. That's a lie. You…" he points at Matt. "are sealing…" he gestures to himself, "yours… as well." He smirks now before saying "Also, I will stay. If that's sealing my fate..." He cups Matt's chin, forcing their eyes to stay locked " Consider it sealed." Matt may have been blushing. His face was pink. Mello's arm is still around Matt as they sit in the silence. They say they just sealed their fate. However, you can't seal something that already is, has been, and will be. Mello pulls out a chocolate bar, and bites. Matt looks over to see Mello offering him some chocolate. He takes a bite. "You like chocolate too?" Mello more declares than asks. Matt nods. "M and Ms." He laughs. "Yea." Matt once again agrees, smiling this time. He throws both arms around Mello. Mello returns the gesture. They stay like that for a bit until Mello looks up and sees me. He glares, and I wonder if he knew I had been watching the whole thing. "Matt." He says, meeting the other's eyes. "Let's go inside." Matt reluctantly releases his grip and nods, picking up the forgotten suitcase. Mello keeps one arm on the doorway and one around Matt as if to trap him in, and Matt submits, walking further inside as Mello guides him. It was as if he was trying to protect Matt from 'them' by sheltering him in his arms. Maybe he was trying to show possession to me too, but I'll never know. Mello glared at me the whole time. "Voyeur." He spat under his breath so softly I practically missed it, walking in after him. I am not a voyeur. No, I am not a voyeur. I'm just never far away from these events, yet never quite involved. I'm just… acknowledged.


	3. encountered

Chapter 2: Encountered

I still never paid much attention too the two of them, but noticed Matt and Mello quickly became inseparable after that "we" incident. I never saw them apart, whether it was the bathroom, meals, or just free time, one was never without the other. It appeared that Mello had decided Matt was his- how can I put this- property, I suppose. He treated him like a pet on a leash, petting his hair and rubbing behind his ears when he was pleased. Now he had even altered the sacred order of Wammy's children to keep his little pet under his thumb. Mello and I always used to sit on one side of the room away from the other children and cattie-cornered from one another, both alone. Now Matt was on Mello's territory. All of the children noticed this. Many whispers passed through the air at this point. Who was he? When did he show up? Why in heaven and hell's names was he always around Mello? More importantly, why hadn't he been killed yet? Eventually, some children had heard Mello call his name and word quickly spread that he was Matt. Some male and female Wammy children formed small infatuations over him, quickly beginning to ogle over him and loving to giggle and whisper about him. 'He is so cute! Oh my gosh those goggles are sexy! I wish I knew him better. I wonder if he would go out with me…" That was a big mistake. All of this did not sit well with Mello. After all, Matt was HIS god dammit. Matt was his and his alone. He was not about to let go of him. What if Matt left him though? What happened next was when I first observed how insecure Mello was, and the love emerging in between him and Matt. More importantly, that's when I learned of mine.

Mello decided he had to find a way to keep Matt exquisitely his. He couldn't have all of this gossip corrupt his little pet. What if he tried to run away? Mello couldn't handle that. He wouldn't have it. Not the only thing he wanted, needed- (loved)? Sometimes I wondered why he hangs on to him so tightly. Then that day, I was lucky- and unfortunate- enough to find out why. I looked up at the tower of legos about five feet tall and smiled. Sure, it took me stacking half a shelf of books and packing them all securely so they didn't fall out from under me to get up to reach the top of my masterpiece, but it was surely worth it. I had but one more Lego-brick to stack and-

"Matt."

That word blew my concentration. I dropped it (but luckily the monument stayed up.) I looked over at the source of the noise (even though I REALLY didn't need to for I already knew who it was) to see Mello with his hand on Matt's shoulder, his other hand cupping Matt's cheek. "Listen to me." Mello stated more than asked. As if he needed to be told. "I have to go settle a few matters on my own, so STAY HERE. Okay? DON'T MOVE. Kay? Be a good puppy, now, and maybe I'll bring you back a treat." Matt just nodded up and down and smiled, cutely and innocently then said "Come back soon please? I'll be lonely."

See, Matt always begged and asked and Mello always ordered. Matt always submitted and Mello always dominated… I am getting off of track. Now I understand Mello's frustration with emotions. Right, where was I? Yes, "Come back soon please? I'll be lonely." Matt said. Mello let a hint of a smile creep across his lips. "I'll take you up on that offer." He said, petted Matt's hair, and left. I realized he was planning to beat the kids up who had been eyeing Matt from the sadistic look on his face as he was walking away. Sure he normally enjoyed inflicting pain on others, but he usually didn't feel thrill enough to show it until he saw the pain and fear on the other person's face. He could get HIGH off of that reaction; it was like a poisonous drug for him. Without a reaction though, he felt weak- like he was going through withdrawal, like the needle he used to inflict the poison wasn't piercing right. That's why Matt let him… I am off of topic again. What I meant to tell you was I could tell this beating was of utmost importance to Mello. The only reason he would be smiling that early was if the incident was important to him personally. The only thing important to Mello was- is- Matt. Therefore, the situation clearly involved Matt, and those conversations threatened him and Matt, therefore he wanted to stop them, which meant he would have to kill their source, which were the children. Therefore, Mello was going to beat up those kids. I- stop. I almost deviated from my purpose of telling this story again. If I continue this I may never get to my point. Focus.

Luckily, I am at the point of which this segment is centered around. After Mello left, Matt and I were left alone on our side of the room. The top side. The better side. The _best _side. I really must start a separate journal for all of this useless rambling. Getting back on topic now, Matt and I were left alone together for the first time. That was when I first encountered him as himself, and not as Mello's little pet. Well, I suppose he always was. Maybe I had just caught him on a looser leash. Continuing my encounter, it all started when Matt began to look around the room. I suppose he was getting lonely seeing as Mello had been gone for a little while by now. Then he saw me. He smiled sweetly, almost apologetically, but I couldn't place why it looked quite that way. So, I might have smiled back, just to make him feel more at ease. At this his tentative smile relaxed into a full blown grin. After a few moments he began to take tentative steps over to my side of the room.

He looked at my masterpiece with wide eyed amusement once he realized how tall it was, then turned back at me. He smiled again and said "H-hello. I'm Matt. You're Near, right?" I replied "Yes, I am. Very nice to finally make you're acquaintance." He looks at the town surrounding the bottom of its center piece. It was not yet completed. "I wasn't done…" I began to explain. He smiles tenderly, and with a tentative gaze, he offers "Well, I could help… if you wanna move it along a bit…" That was the first time anyone had ever shown such tenderness. That's when I realized how pretty his dark chocolate hair was, and how hazel his eyes were the most perfect eyes ever and that hazel was the most beautiful eye color, and how deliciously creamy his skin looked. I think maybe that's when I truly began to fall in what is so commonly called love. It was so much more though. It is so much more. So I smiled back and said (rather childishly due to my excitement, mind you) "Thank You! Hang on, I want you to meet optimus prime…" He laughed a little and agreed. Matt was so wonderful to me. He put up with all of my immaturity, shook hands with every one of my action figures, even talked to optimus prime. Then he helped me build a small Lego house with a railroad, acting as if he didn't know how and letting me tell him what to do. I NEVER took apart that set. I even have it today. Continuing on, we laughed and talked and smiled as we played with all of my toys. I wish that day never ended. But alas, the end did come. Its name was Mello.

"Matt? Matt?!" Mello's voice pierced the air. He turned to my corner of the room and saw Matt standing next to me when I was about to place an action figure on the ledge. "MATT!" He yelled, running over. He glared coldly at me. If looks could kill, that one most certainly would have been my demise. Then he turned to Matt. 'We. Are. Leaving. NOW." He declared, aggressively, and grabbed the other's hand so fast and so tight that the contact may have lingered in the air momentarily. Mello stormed out of the room at that, dragging Matt with him. I followed behind because I was worried. Mello was dangerous when he was angry, and I didn't wasn't to risk my new found friend's safety. I wouldn't interfere with any conversations; I would only step in if things got violent. Report it to Roger. It was a normal procedure, right? I saw Matt and Mello walk back to their room in silence, until Matt finally spoke when they were at the door. "Mello, what was that all about?" he asks. Mello's eyes stay fixed on the floor. "Mello..." he pries. Mello's head snaps up and blue meets hazel. "…Do you really want to know?" he asks, quietly, tentatively, so soft that you could have missed it. Matt nods, almost as if afraid to ruin the moment with sound, and just barely breathes "yes." Mello begins to speak. "The reason I'm upset is… well, I guess it doesn't make sense unless you know the whole thing… I-" he saw me. "I'll tell you inside…" Mello says, then grabs Matt and pushes him forward into their room and walks in after him, shutting the door abruptly, but not before looking down at me in disgust and sneering the word "Voyeur." I am not a voyeur. No, I am not a voyeur. I'm just never far away from these events, yet never quite involved. I'm just… encountered.


	4. exposed

hey guys, sorry this took so long! Got caught up in some work. Anyway, chapter three, hope you enjoy and thanks to all who have been reading so far!

Hehe I love Beyond's flirty insanity (we're not really sure if he means any of it, but...)

disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN THE AWSOMENESS KNOWN AS DEATHNOTE, WAMMY('S), MATT, MELLO, BEYOND BIRTHDAY, L, OR NEAR.

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Chapter 3: Exposed

DAMN! How was I ever supposed to hear the conversation now?! Wait… why did I want too? I wasn't sure why, it seemed irrational. I had to though, I HAD to hear it. Suddenly, as if on cue, I heard a distinct, bone-chilling laugh. "Kyaa Kyaa kyaaaaa!" I heard a fairly deep voice chuckle from behind me. I flinched when I felt a stick hand touch me from behind and spun around to see none other than Beyond. No, not the expression, I mean the person, Beyond Birthday, B.B., B. whatever you wanted to call him. Now, the LAST thing I wanted was help from him but… in this matter he was the only one capable of helping.

"Hello my little lamb!" he exclaimed, enthusiastically as always. I cringed at one of the many nicknames he had made for me but tried to remain calm. "Salutations Beyond." I responded, attempting to keep this meeting as professional as possible. He chuckles a little before saying "I see you've taken a liking to Matt, have you my little dove? Disappointing, I thought we had something special love." He said, grinning wide showing the blood-like jam stains on his teeth. "We never had ANYTHING Beyond." I replied. "mmm, don't play hard to get." He scolded, and then laughed loudly. I sucked in a deep breath. Here it goes. "Beyond… may I ask a favor of you?" He cocked his head with that wide eyed smile and said "Mmm, and what is this favor you are proposing?" I tried not to think of how fucking creepy he looked when I answered "… Do you remember when you told me you could get into space given to you?" "Yes, Near my Dear, I do." He was still smiling. I continued. "I… I need you're help…" God, this was horrible. He just grinned wider and read my mind "Oh, spying are we Near? Well… I SHALL HELP YOU KYA KYA KYA! But… on one condition. You must repay _me_ in ways of _my _choice." I debated over this in my head. What was the worst he could do? A better question was what was the worst he _would _do? Why was I doing this? Oh yes, Matt, but why was he so… Deciding I was afraid to think any further I responded "It is a deal, Beyond." "Kya Kya Kya, wonderful! We shall begin immediately!" He said, and dragged me to the air vent down the hall. It looked so… small… "Are we really going to fit in there?" I inquired. "Oh yes nearest dearest, we shall! Don't worry, it looks worse than it is!" he assured me, and jumped up and climbed in. As soon as he was comfortable, he reached out a hand and offered it too me. "Come on inside." He said, in a low, creepy voice with a huge grin. I took his hand and braced myself.

It really wasn't that horrible I the air vents, they were rather spacious once you got in, even if they certainly didn't look it. I remember when Beyond hoisted me in, one arm guiding my torso and the other arm pulling my hand, and then wondering how they made the vents _look_ so small. The question was quickly forgotten as he led me through the memorized tunnels (I believe he has been through they entire ventilation system, and it frightens me to think how well he knows them, and how he uses this knowledge.) to our destination of Matt and Mello's dorm. We came in at the part when Mello was explaining some of his past, I suppose leading up to here. Beyond moved a bit to the side, allowing me to get closer to the opening. Unfortunately, that position put me in his lap. I could feel him grinning, but ignored it as I listened to their conversation. Mello was speaking "…he was just a bully, and I tried to tell her that and I'm sure she knew but she just never listened. One night things went too far. SLAP. That's all I heard from my room. I crept down the stairs to see him hitting her again. I remember I was terrified, this time I could smell the booze on his breath from where I was. The bottles were all over the floor. She was too now, bleeding everywhere. That's when I saw her eyes, g-od," his voice faltered. "She was dead. I wasn't sure what to do. I mean, sure I loved her, but she never looked at me for me. Both of em' thought I was pretty much useless. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to be crying, but now I guess it was okay I did. He would have found me anyway. Fucker started coming toward me with the booze in one hand and yelling at me. I couldn't understand him, his words were slurred. I ran down the hall and he chased me, spilling booze all over the rug and himself, fucking slob. That was in my favor though. I accidentally bumped the table with a candle on it. I dodged it, but the magical-trail-o'-booze flared. Burned the house, and burned him. Good riddance to that.

Unfortunately, we were in the middle of no where so I started running through woods to the closest neighbor, maybe a mile or two away. I though I'd make it. I didn't count on a serial killer. Apparently he had an obsession with young children. Guess who was lucky? He dragged me to a shack… but he was so… weird…" Mello choked a little. Matt put a comforting arm around him and began to rock back and forth.

"Did… did he… touch you?" Matt asked. I swore I heard his voice shaking. Mello shook his head and began again "No, no one ever has. That's just it, though. He never did anything. Just… stared. I heard him kill, and I saw the blood but at me he just stared… I'm only grateful he didn't go further." I swore I heard Matt sigh in relief. Mello Continued. "So I guess L was working on the case and that's when they found me. Gave me the IQ test when the rescued me and BAM! Here I was. Well, kind of. I guess I was 'unstable' the first few weeks. I just remember a white room and how they pumped me up on meds when L and Wammy checking up on me until I got used to being here. I had no one to talk to then because they were afraid of me. That's when I learned I was second in ranking. Near was first. Everyone gave Near attention. Did anyone care about me, MY emotional scars? Nooooo it's all about Near! I wanted it to be about me so… I wanted to be first. I studied so much I never had anyone to talk too. Then you. You came along and became a friend, my friend, my only friend. Then fucking Near comes along and tries to take you too…" I flinched at the vulgar use of my name. "I… I just wanted you to myself, okay?!" He chokes again. "I just wanted to be useful to you those first few days; I was never a useful child, mom died because of it! I just wanted to be good enough for you, I wasn't even good enough to be killed! I wanted you to be mine, (I swear Matt blushed at that) because everything else is HIS! The one thing… I really… wanted… are you going to go too?!" He half sobbed half screamed. Matt responded by quickly pulling him into a tight hug, leaving Mello in such shock he actually stopped mid sentence.

"Mello…" he began. "I'm not leaving." He said. "You want to know why? It's because… I know what it's like to be left. If you want… I'll tell you my story since you told me yours…" Mello nods eagerly, still in the tight embrace, but then stops. "O-only if it doesn't hurt too much…" he half whispered. Matt lets a low chorus of laughter go. " It's not nearly as bad as your's. Besides, what doesn't in this world, Mello? What doesn't?" Before The other can protest, or ask what he meant Matt began. "It started while I was in the womb. My Mother's parents were furious because I was going to be their first born grandchild, and they wanted her brother to have had his children first. Never-the-less, I took my breaths first. I shouldn't have though. No one wanted me there. Well, I shouldn't say that. Mommy and Daddy loved me like I was the only being in the world. The sheltered me from the hurtful words spewed behind my back for quite a while. Unfortunately, I found out anyway. Mom's father told me I was a mistake. Once his son's child was born I was always ignored. I wasn't sure whether to cry or smile. I cried on impulse. I shouldn't have though, because when they finally looked at me, they showed only scorn. They always told me what a mistake I was, how my life was a sin. Never to my face though. No, they told my faults to my own Mother. She grew very depressed and sometimes drank way too much. It was all my fault~" he choked slightly at this. "Matt…" Mello offered, beginning to rub small circles on his back. The other's breathing steadied again. I think the blonde meant to say something but Matt started his story again. "One day she went to her mother's house. Her brother, his bitch (I assume that meant 'wife') and mother were waiting for her there. Her intention of going over there was to 'talk' but s-she drank and t-then - she- wound up-… dead. She- go-d…" he choked again. I swore I felt my eyes begin to sting after hearing all of that, but then knowing it wasn't the end of it. He continued still. "S-so m-m-my Dad went to take them out and- g- got… well, he won the f-fight, the bastard who k-k-illed my mom was dead and the old hag died of shock, I guess but… D-daddy was- dead t-oo… No one wanted me so… I got thrown around a bunch for a while, all the caretakers would promise to keep me b-but… all the kids would beat me up… a-and… I WAS NEVER GOOD ENOUGH!" he scream sobbed. Mello and I were both shocked at his change of tone, he was half whispering up until now. "I w-wasn't pretty o-or slender, I- I wasn't t-talkative, I- wasn't a superficial b-BITCH! I was too~" he couldn't finish that one. "Th-then I got shipped off here, fully expecting f-for you to hate me, and not c-caring I'd be gone by n-now but… n-now… I… I really w-want to stay with you, Me-llo. I w-want you to stay w-with m-m-me…"

Mello had heard enough to be convinced. He pulled Matt tightly against him and stroked his hair. "Shhhh…" he half crooned. "I've got you." He murmured softly. Matt sobbed but nodded. Once he calmed he stared up at Mello, Mello staring down at him. They had both just been exposed to one another, what now? Matt spoke first "M-mello… I… I'll stay with you, if it will make you happy, and in return… can you stay with me?" It was a plea more than an offer. Mello replied as if without another thought in the world. " Yes, I will stay Matt. That would make me happy, you staying with me." There was nothing else to be said except for a small reply barely whispered from Matt's lips. "yes." He almost sang. Matt looked into Mello's eyes, and said "I guess you got it." Mello cocked his head and Matt elaborated. "You have something he doesn't. Me." He said, eyes begging for the forgiveness asked for behind the words for his earlier flaw. I don't know why, but I felt like my heart dropped at that moment in time. Was I really… wrong? "Ku Ku Ku, Near Dear, always wanting what you can't have!" I glared back at Beyond, who I almost forgot was there until now. I looked back when I heard Mello speak. "Yes… Thank you Matt." He said, pulling him into a tight hug with a smile. Matt returned both gestures. They stopped talking so Beyond guided me back out (I learned I'm claustrophobic that day) and once I was out I walked back to my room as fast as I could so I wouldn't be caught by- Mello. He saw me as he came out with Matt to go get a bar of chocolate. He kept walking with his little prize as he smirked; Matt seemingly blind to the gesture.

I almost anticipated what was coming next. "Voyeur." He barely whispers. Then he childishly wraps his hand around Matt's and continues walking as if I was never there.

Now, if you do not follow me up until now, Matt and Mello are not yet into the phase of their relationship where they are considered lovers. They are quickly approaching however. Please bare with me so I may tell the account to its fullest. Besides, you wouldn't even be able to understand without the full account. In fact, I still don't grasp this all completely myself. I do currently understand though, that I am not a voyeur. No, I am not a voyeur. I'm just never far away from these events, yet never quite involved. I'm just… exposed (to them.)


	5. infatuated

Chapter 4: Infatuated

After that incident things were fairly awkward between Matt and I. He would look up to see I was staring at him and almost instantly glance downward, as if he was ashamed. I knew his reasoning; he was simply giving Mello what he wanted. I knew- know- Mello is the most important thing in Matt's life. I knew pleasing him came before all other matters, including being kind to me. I know. I knew, so why did my chest tighten every time he did so? I was honestly, as much as I hate to say it, confused. After weeks of debate I decided my only choice was to consult the smartest person I know: L. I quietly walked into our least-favorite-care-taker's office to book an appoinntment and waited through about five minutes of him growling obscenities and frantically scribbling out and re-writing something on a sheet of paper. I believe he muttered something to the effect of "sugar-high-children-running-up-the-grocery-bill." He finally sighed and looked up, rubbing his temple to see me. "OH! Er, Near, hello." He says, with an obviously fake smile. "What can I do for you?" I attempted to stay emotionless but failed as I blurted out "I need to speak with L as soon as possible." Roger just cocked his head a little and wrote my name down on a sheet of paper. I waited as he called L. He scribbled something down and once he got off of the phone he told me I was penciled in for the coming hour. I nodded and thanked him, then walked out of the room.

The next hour I spent waiting seemed to drag on for days. I was growing more un-easy by the minute. I couldn't really have been letting something as trivial as being ignored interfere with my deductive abilities, could I? I couldn't even recite the digits of pi up to eighty clearly; I kept stammering and skipping numbers up to sixty nine. Normally reciting simple numerical patterns or codes calmed me, but now I felt a feeling of what may be labeled frustration. Though I still despised him, I honestly developed a new found respect for Mello that day. He memorized up to eighty as well within the same time window I had, and he must have been constantly pelted with emotions such as what I was feeling now, seeing as that is his personality. Finally the dreadful wait was over and I literally ran down to L's room before I had the chance to forget more of pi.

I knocked hard on the door and was greeted by the ever-so-famous "panda-man", as some of the children called him. 'Ah, Near, you have arrived. Do come in, make yourself comfortable." He said, turning around and retreating into the room, leaving me to close the door behind us. He had situated himself in a large red arm chair, pulling his knees against his chest in that funny little way he does, and began to drop maybe 15 sugar cubes into his already grainy coffee. "I'm sorry Near, would you like some?" he asks, in his usual monotone voice. I shook my head. I honestly didn't like sweets all that much, and ever since I had seen Beyond consume his beverages the exact same way the thought of drinking the concoction made me crawl in my skin. "Alright, suit yourself." He half taunts me, slurping down maybe half of the glass. "So, what has bought you here?" he inquires after what seems like an eternity. "…I need your view on something." I replied, not entirely sure how to state my situation. L only nods. "Go on." He encourages, slurping down more sugar. "The new boy, Matt. He… Mello…" I kept stammering, as if the embarrassment of having to go to the world's greatest detective for help wasn't enough. L began sucking on a sugar cube and said "Yes, he is a rather bright one. He and Mello do have a close bond, no?" I nodded. L looked at me with that famous cocked-head stare and asked "Is this about him?" I found myself nodding, at loss for words. He stared into space for a moment, as if trying to help me find a way to drag the words from my throat.

"Okay… Near, when was your first encounter with him since his arrival at Wammy's?" "Eight weeks ago." I practically blurted out, desperate to know I could still talk. He nodded then asked "How did you meet?" "We were in the playroom and Mello left to… do something," I began, deciding not to rat Mello out in fear that it would only end with me on worse terms with Matt. "And Matt was alone so he walked over to me and we talked…" L contemplated for a moment. "Did you enjoy the time you spent with him?" "…Yes." I decided. He was silent for barely a second before he asked "Have you talked to him since the incident?" I shook my head. He stared at me, maybe in shock, and asked "Why so?" I slowly replied, unsure of what to say. I decided to just tell him the reason in its purest form. "Well… Mello wasn't happy when he found Matt with me and I guess he must have talked to Matt about it," I was not going to tell L I had heard. "and since then Matt hasn't came around me. He actually seems to be avoiding me." L thought about this for a few minutes. "Near, how do you feel about this?" That was where I was stuck "I… I don't know." I stammered. L chewed his lip while he planned out his next move. "Near, what about this incident jumps out at you more, Matt avoiding you because Mello told him too or the fact that Matt is avoiding you by itself?" This took some careful thinking on my part. I couldn't really be upset that Matt was listening to the only person he had left, could I? No… was I upset Mello told him too? But I had expected Mello to do such a thing! Then… could it only be….

After a few quiet minutes I finally replied "The fact Matt is avoiding me…" L nodded. "Mmm… I see… Near, what normally happens when he avoids you?" "Sometimes I look at him and when he sees me he refuses to meet my gaze. When I try and call out to him he turns his head a bit and doesn't respond. In the end he's always with Mello." "… Near, do you ever find yourself wishing you were in Mello's place?" he asks, trying to help me along. "Y-yes." Was all I could say to that. "Why so?" L repeated himself from earlier. "I… I can't explain. It's just, when I see him I just want him to talk to me again like that day. It's not really that I care he's around Mello I-… I guess I just want his attention too." I questioned more than stated. L popped another sugar cube in his mouth before answering to that. "Mmm, *slurp* why do you want his attention so badly?" I found syllables that I didn't even comprehend pouring from my lips. "He's really nice and fun to be around and has a nice laugh and he's pretty cause of his hazel eyes and his really light skin and dark silky hair and I just really like~" I slapped a hand over my mouth when finally I realized what I was saying. L let a smirk slowly stretch his lips and his eyes grew wider as well as he chuckled a little. "Well, well, Near, obsession much? It appears you have a little infatuation. Are you in, oh what do you call it, love, possibly?"

My eyes widened and my body tensed, for at this I was truly frightened. No. Just no. It couldn't be! Love was anemotion; but you have to be emotionless to get on top. Emotions are why Mello failed. Lack of emotions is why I've succeeded. I could not begin to feel now! I could not have just come so far to throw it all away! I could not have! Wait… L had first said infatuation. Yes, that's all it was, the dictionary term for infatuation was: a temporary obsession. TEMPORARY. T-E-M-P-O-R-Y. Fleeting. Non- permanent. All things temporary had to go away, right? L had just thrown that 'love' bit in to confuse me, to see if I could still possibly be first. I can L. I can be best. Just childish teasing on his part to get me worked up. I would not let it get to me. Yes, I would be just fine, right? Wrong. But that is another entry's tale.

I let myself resume my more relaxed state while I replied to the cleaver remark. "Ah, you are accusing me of infatuation are you? I can see why." L simply smiled again, as if seeing through my comeback. "Yes, I am, aren't I Near. Then again that is only 'my view', now isn't it?" I tried to stay calm as I said "Why yes it is. Thank you for you're time L, it has been a pleasure." "Pleasure is all mine Near." He replied, and then I exit the room, beginning to walk back to the playroom. Yes, L was right. I was merely (temporarily) infatuated. I enter to see Matt sitting next to a smiling Mello, who looks up and frowns upon seeing me. It appears as if I have interrupted a more tender moment between the two. Matt smiles back at Mello before looking up to follow the other's stare to meet mine. He hurriedly jerks his head downward and stares back at the floor. Mello smirks at this, at me, and strokes the other's hair while mouthing his current nick-name of sorts for me. "Voyeur." I am not a voyeur. No, I am not a voyeur. I'm just never far away from these events, yet never quite involved. I'm just… infatuated.


	6. intertwined

Chapter 5: Intertwined

A few more weeks passed, probably about three. I continued thinking my obsession would dissipate over time and everything would go back to normal the way it had been before I met him. Little did I know just how wrong I was. By the end of the three weeks I began to wonder if I needed assistance ridding of my peculiar fascination with our favorite goggle-clad boy. I briefly contemplated asking for companionship but brushed the idea off almost as quickly as it came. Most of the children here, despite being called geniuses, were far too shallow for my tastes, and the other few at the top, besides Matt Mello and me, weren't extremely pleasant choices either. Beyond was just creepy, and his roommate A (whose name I never quite found out) was almost always studying or hanging around B. I began to count the passing dust motes hoping to find some sort of inspiration when it hit me. I haven't seen Matt for a little while. Maybe when I looked at him I would wonder what I ever saw in him and I would be out of this mess. That was where I was horribly wrong. I was only lodged deeper.

I looked over at Mello's corner of the room to see the object of my interest talking to my rival then laughing a bit. To my dismay, he was no less interesting than he had been eleven weeks ago. I thought teenage crushes didn't last that long! Wait… they normally didn't! Maybe… maybe if I just calmly explained myself to Matt he would understand (even though he would probably not accept me) and then with the situation resolved I could stop thinking about it! Then again, there was the consequence of a very upset Mello. With that, I quickly decided against the idea but kept it in case of emergency. I looked up at Matt again now to see him looking at the floor, cheeks appearing to turn pink. Mello was waving his hand in front of his friend's face and saying something. Matt screwed his eyes shut then turned his head a bit more and replied. The blonde didn't seem completely satisfied with his answer. He gripped the other's chin in his hands, forcing his companion to face him. Mello said something else. Matt just shook his head a little in his grip and replied again. Still, Mello did not look completely satisfied. He put both hands on Matt's striped shoulders and moved so his face was barely an inch away from Matt's. In response, the other turned a brighter red than before and turned his head again. Noticing me staring his gaze snapped back to Mello. He mouthed something to the blonde and with that Mello turned to glare at me.

"Looks like SOMEONE has a little problem with personal space!" Mello yelled loudly enough so that it was audible to me, and succeeded in getting a few other orphans to turn around to look at us. With that he grabbed Matt's hands and jerked him off of the window-sill they had been sitting on and led him out of the room. Me being me, I couldn't resist curiosity. Why had he gotten so flustered over such a seemingly trivial matter? I got up and followed. I found that they had retreated to our hallway, and were standing in front of the large window marking the corner of the path. "Matt, what is it that you're not telling me?!" Mello asked, sounding more upset then angry. Matt just shook his head and replied "Really, it's nothing Mel…" "Nothing, huh, Matt? How is it nothing if it keeps you awake at night?! How is it nothing if you need to be next to me to even close your eyes and sleep!?" Mello said, shaking the other's shoulders. "Oh yea, Mello? What's with you?! How come you ask me to sleep next to you?!... Why do you blush whenever I play with you're hair, hm, Mells?" Matt counters, getting a bit quieter while drawing his voice out and half smirking at his last point. Now Mello blushes a little. "It just feels nice okay?!" "Why do you blush whenever you call me sweet? Why do you blush when I call you cute?" Matt continues. "Oh yeah, Matty? Why do you call me cute? Do you really think so, sweetheart?" Mello manages to come back with, and drags the last word out with deliberate slowness and brings their faces closer together. "Well, doll?" he coos mockingly. At this, Matt is silent, averting his eyes downward and turning his head to the side.

After a few moments of silence Mello's taunting glare softens into a concerned gaze when he asks, "Matt, really, what's wrong? If I hurt you, I'm sorry, and if you need help I'm here." Matt looks up at Mello with a deep pink on his now smiling face and soft, almost pained eyes. He slowly lets his words drip from his lips, barely whispering them. "Mello, you of all people, I thought you would have figured it out by now. I… I think I… I love you, Mihael." To this day I am never sure when they told each other their real names. I only know that was the day I learned them. I am wandering away from the point. Anyway, Mello's eyes widen and he almost falls back a little. Matt's smile faded into a soft frown, eyes welling up with tears as he murmurs "I-it's okay, I get it…" then begins to try and move from Mello's grasp. Suddenly he is pulled into a tight embrace by the other. "Mail… I love you too." Matt's once half closed eyes widen as he is still for a moment, then throws both arms tightly around the other. "M-mello!" he sobs, not bothering to hide the fact he is crying any longer, and buries his face in Mello's shoulder. Mello holds him and shushes him, stroking his hair. Matt barely manages to take a breath in between sobs when Mello pulls Matt's face off of his shoulder to look at him, inching their faces closer and kisses the other's cheek, as if asking for consent before a more intimate kiss. Matt flinched a bit, earning a frown from Mello.

"Matt?" He asks. "Mello… I… do you know what you're doing?" The other barely whispers. "I- I couldn't… I'm not… I- I want us to be forever, and if you're planning on ending this eventually o-or going with a-nother… just d-don't st-start i~" He's cut off with Mello's finger pressing his lips closed. "Forever, dearest. That's what we promised, right?" Matt nods up and down. "Then, forever do I swear to be only yours… and forever I claim you only mine." Matt murmurs, "I am yours." That confirmed their intertwined fates as a fact, only letting the world understand what always was, is and will be. (because you cannot change fact.) Mello smiles and presses another kiss against Matt's cheek, this time earning a soft sigh of contentment from the other. He takes that as permission to advance and presses his mouth against the other's in what looked to be a very passionate kiss, intertwining their fingers (much like their lives) and wrapping his free arm around his new-found lover's waist. Matt wraps his free arm around Mello's neck and leans into the kiss. They continue this pattern for about five minutes, only occasionally pulling apart to breathe before resuming their previous position. After five minute's time was up they were both panting for breath. Matt smiled softly at Mello and then moved to kiss his neck. Mello smiled at Matt's long awaited advance and allowed him further access, moaning a bit when the other brushed against certain parts. I wasn't sure whether I wanted to see more of the scene playing out before me or not, but that choice really was not mine. When Mello's half lidded eyes had fluttered open, possibly from one of Matt's movements, he noticed me staring. I must have looked wide eyed or pained or some other unpleasant emotion because he smirked at me. Softly he moaned "Matt, Please do that again, my darling." He never broke eye contact with me. He was grinning even wider when Matt had probably obliged, rolling his head back and moaning again. His eyes became half lidded and he blushed, no longer looking at me but still intending for me to watch. He knew I would. I just couldn't resist the painfully sweet temptation.

Suddenly he pushed Matt against the wall and began returning the favor, moving his mouth all over the other's neck. Matt gasped and moaned uncontrollably "M-mello- I-I l-looo-oove y-youuuuuu…. Ahhhhhh….." he breathed out. "Call me Mihael now, dearest." Mello said then continued, and I didn't need to see it to know that he was smiling. "Mihaaaaaaeeellll…" Matt complied. A few minutes later he pulled off of Matt's neck and kissed his lips quickly before picking his love up and cradling him in his arms. "Mail…" he cooed, smiling when the other didn't object to the use of his true name. "I'm going to take you in our room because I'd like to go a bit further on you now, dearest. After all, I'm the only one who should see you so… pure. Wouldn't want an icky VOYEUR to see what's mine." He drags out the last sentence staring directly at me. At this Matt blushes but nods, leaning limply against his lover's chest. I'm not even quite sure he caught Mello's reasoning behind the words. Matt just seems to… nice, to agree to such a thing. After all, he wouldn't have thought me to be a ("Voyeur." He mouths once more as he carries the other into the room) because I am not a voyeur! I am not a voyeur. No, I am not a voyeur. I'm just never far away from these events, yet never quite involved. I'm just… intertwined.

******

Hello! Me again ;) hmm, I know I put this one up pretty quickly; I was just on a roll! Comment please, I love comments, and let me know you're thoughts on lemons because it may encourage me to add some… ;0


	7. First

hey guys! Heres an update for ya! sorry it took so long, but as promised, here's the lime! Enjoy 3

I DO NOT OWN DEATHNOTE NOR DO I TAKE CREDIT FOR IT.

Chapter six: First

It must have been luck and misfortune mixed together when I felt a sticky pale hand grab my shoulder. I knew who it was without even looking. "Hello, B." I said, trying to keep the tone as casual as possible. "…Near?" He asked, in a quiet voice. This was rather unusual so I spun around quickly to see what was up with him. He had a wistful look in his eyes. "I saw the whole thing." He starts, not making eye-contact with me or removing his hand from my shoulder. "… I'm sorry." He apologizes. He knew I was upset even before I did… sometimes I wonder how I could be so blind. I stayed silent, maybe afraid to speak. He continued talking. "I… It takes a lot to be brave and come clean like they did. It takes even more to stay committed. But… the people who get left behind… I always think they are the strongest of the ordeal." He says, not bothering to hide the fact he was referring to me. I found myself not pulling away from a comforting hug, not loving or lustful, just… nice. "B… does it hurt?" I heard myself ask; not knowing it was me even speaking until later. He didn't respond and I looked up to see his shoulders trembling, bangs hiding the brilliant red eyes that the tears on his cheeks were dripping from. "J-just remember we're similar, N." he whispered in a shaky voice, pulling away and walking to the air vent before stopping in front of it. "If you don't want to…" he says, almost reassuringly. I shook my head. "I…" "feel obligated. I know." He says comfortingly, offering me a hand. As we crawled through the vents, I earned a new respect for B that day. Maybe not enough to want to call him friend but… close. "B?" I found myself asking. He turned to look at me. "About that repayment…" he turned around and hugged me. "You already took care of it…" he says, a melancholy smile on his face, before continuing onward. And to this day, I never know what he meant.

We arrived at my destination and he stopped, moving aside so that I may slide past him to get a better view. I saw Matt lying on Mello's bed, with the other on top of him. They were both engaged in a very long kiss. No clothing had been removed yet, but they were getting close. I could hear sloppy wet noises, most likely lip against lip, tongue on tongue; soft moans that were meant to be murmured words of love were incomprehensible. After all, they all sounded like mmm's, some simply more drawn out then others. Did it really matter though; they all meant the same thing: I LOVE YOU. After a half a minute more of limited groping and rubbing, kissing and holding, the kiss broke. Mello sat up slowly, still looking at Matt, and tentatively (yet still eager and quickly) began to pull the bottom of Matt's shirt up, seeming to admire every inch of the other. Matt blushed and looked to the side. Mello smiled and chuckled a bit, kissing Matt's stomach tenderly, making the other blush harder and screw his eyes shut. He seemed to lose his earlier patience when he suddenly yanked the shirt off over his love's head, tossing it across the room. He kissed softly up Matt's chest, probably every inch from the kissing noises I heard. He stopped at the other's flat breast and kissed where I would imagine the nipple would be, then took it in his mouth for a few minutes, eventually switching to give the other one some attention. The whole time Matt was moaning and holding Mello tightly, huge blush across his face. After a few minutes Mello stopped the treatment to remove his own shirt, allowing Matt to return the favor of kissing across his chest.

After a few more minutes of the soft kissing noises Mello pushed Matt back down so he was lying under him again. Mello stayed still for several moments until he moved to kiss Matt more tenderly than earlier before making his next move. He gingerly reached out his hand and cupped Matt's most private area; palm on the younger's member and two fingers pressing against his entrance through the jeans. Matt's breath hitched a bit in surprise, his head thrown back and eyes fluttering, cheeks even more flushed then earlier. I couldn't help but gasp from the sight. It was breath taking. Unfortunately, my view was obscured once again by Mello leaning in to steal another kiss. I looked down a bit to see Mello's other hand unzipping Matt's jeans then using one of the belt buckles to loop his finger in and inch the pants down the other's thighs. He somehow managed to pull the underwear down simultaneously, causing Matt to gasp into the kiss at the sudden cold air. He squealed into the kiss when Mello's other hand resumed the same position on his area as earlier, for now there was no barrier in between skin on skin. Matt's legs jerked up and open a bit, to this day I'm not sure if it was in surprise or pleasure, but I believe it may have been both. He once tried to tell me how wonderful it felt- no. That is a story for another entry. Carrying on, Mello soon broke the kiss and moved his face down to Matt's newly touched cock, seeming to admire it almost lovingly for a moment before putting his mouth on over it, tonguing at his sack in the process. Matt half screamed and twined his hands in Mello's hair, and the blonde stayed like that for a few minutes. "G-uh… u-uh Mihael!" Matt cried out at being touched. Mello kept it in his mouth for a few moments and then pulled back off of him, Matt still panting. I concluded that Mello must have been licking him because I never cheeks move like they would when he was sucking, which I only witnessed twice. I believe licking was his preferred method of oral "love."

Mello kissed Matt again softly before growing more urgent. He broke the kiss to put three fingers in Matt's mouth, moving them gently while Matt sucked in them. He pulled them out about a minute later, sopping wet and glistening. He kissed Matt again, and the other didn't seem to notice his legs being angled a bit wider. (Ironically, this gave me a good view of Mello's next move.) Suddenly Mello pushed a finger against Matt's entrance and before the other could say anything mello pushed it into the puckered hole, violating him as he wriggled it a bit before adding second finger quickly after. Though I noticed Matt's slit seemed to suck the finger(s) in he jerked from the kiss (Seemingly accidental, but it was hard to tell) and he screamed. "AAAAUUHH! MIHAEL!" Mello kissed him to hush what sounded like a choked sob. I mentally thanked god the walls were thick and our wing was far away from other dorms, but mostly administrators. Then I wasn't sure whether I was supposed to be upset at mello more for harming Matt or for taking him- stop. I am straying off topic. I will be continuing onward now. "Shhhh… Mail, it's okay. I'm just doing this because I love you and I really want you to be mine." He cooed comfortingly, kissing off either sweat or a tear from Matt's cheek. (I could not tell which because he was too far away; I believe it was a tear though because he seemed to be in pain.) Matt nodded and whimpered "I-I l-love you, Mihaeeeel."

Mello kissed him softly and started fingering him, softly prodding the fingers around for the first few minutes then beginning to push in and out. (he seemed to need more effort when he started, Matt may have tensed up a bit) Then he began to scissor the digits, continuing to move in and out, stretching Matt at different widths; close to knuckles being the smallest and the tips of the fingers being the widest, though all must have felt huge to Matt's inexperienced body. Finally, after a while, Matt's moans faded to a different tone, and now he looked to be enjoying it. He was panting in addition to moaning, a trail of saliva now from the side of his mouth. Mello pushed a third digit in, seemingly just out of desire, then pulled all three out. He finally removed his own pants and boxers, revealing himself to Matt. Matt blushed more and his eyes became half lidded as he looked at Mello's erection. He may have even drooled a bit more, all I really know is the event so far had been the most erotic scene I had ever lain eyes on and- I apologize for straying off topic. I cannot erase seeing as I only have a pen, so I will just continue now. The next thing I saw was Mello pressing himself against Matt's lips, softly murmuring something to the effect of "Put me in your mouth, like my good little boy, Mail." (I apologize if I missed a few words but would either of us know?) Matt took the whole thing in quickly, seeming to prefer the method of licking to sucking as well. Mello moaned and put one of his hands on Matt's head to steady himself. "n-mhhhhh… Mail…" he moaned. Matt continued to suck until Mello pulled himself out of the other's mouth. Matt's eyes widened visibly when he realized just how big Mello really was and how much he had just taken into his mouth. He seemed to fall back a little more when he realized where Mello planned on sticking it next.

Mello repositioned himself, getting off of Matt's chest and getting back in between Matt's legs. He twined one of his hands with Matt's, allowing the other to wrap his arm around Mello's shoulders. Matt seemed to know what was coming, yet he did nothing to prevent it. My hypothesis to this was he both enjoyed his earlier penetration and maybe wanted something bigger, or he just really loved Mello. (Enough to go through some pain to give him what he wanted, might I add.) Now that I write this on paper I suppose it could have been both… Ah well, continuing. Mello used his free hand to guide himself into Matt's entrance once more, Matt still seeming to suck it in even as he screamed. Mello kissed him to hush him, his eyes fluttering shut from being half lidded ad he pushed fully into his love, inexperience rendering him incapable of going slower due to the intense pleasure. Matt's head rolled back in the kiss and he may have even sobbed a bit. When Mello pulled apart from the kiss he was all the way in. Matt was still shaking and clinging onto Mello tightly, squirming a bit while trying to get used to the feeling. "Mail, I love you." Mello cooed, kissing his cheek in an attempt to comfort him. "I-I love yo-u too- Mih-ael." Matt panted as Mello kissed his cheek. "You did great sweetheart, I'm all the way in now." Mello soothed as Matt continued to pant. 'Shhh… I'll give you a few minutes, you just say when, Okay?" Mello offered. Matt nodded and leaned up to kiss Mello again.

The two continued kissing for about three minutes; their eyes altering in between half lidded flutters to see how the other was feeling and completely closed when they were particularly enjoying something. After those few minutes Matt murmured "Mm-Mihael, I- I think I'm ready." Mello smiled at him tenderly and asked "Are you sure Mail?" Matt nodded. "Y-yeah, I'm ready." Mello kissed him tenderly on the lips once more and then pulled out maybe half way before pushing back in. He moaned loudly being engulfed by the tightness once more before bucking his hips up against Matt again. Mello did this a few times until he bucked particularly hard electing a possibly pleasured scream from Matt. "M-Mihael, p-please d-do that again…" He begged. Mello seemed confused. Both seemed to be having their first encounter, making it a bit hard to communicate. Never-the-less, Mello tried his best to repeat his last action, receiving the same scream. "OOOH YES MIHAEL!" Matt cried out. Mello smiled and kissed him, continuing his actions, both now lost in ecstasy. (They didn't even notice beyond slurping away jam from the vent; he was right next to me and even I couldn't hear him.)

I am not sure how much time elapsed between the time Mello found what pleased both he and Matt until the time it ended, I just know it was a good amount of time. That being said, I shall skip to the end, seeing as the parts in between were all very similar to what was described earlier. Anyway, Mello released with a moan of "A-ah, Mail!" filling Matt to the brim before his cum overflowed and spilled out of him. Feeling this, Matt screamed only seconds later "OH MIHAEL!" at the top of his lungs before spilling all over Mello and himself. Mello smiled and simply lay on Matt, burying his head in the crook of Matt's shoulder for a moment before sighing and pulling out. He held the other close and whispered in a barely audible voice "Mail, I love you." Matt murmured a sleepy yet affectionate reply of "I love you too Mihael." Mello moved Matt so that the younger was sitting in his lap and wrapped his arm around his shoulders, re intertwining their hands. Matt leaned up for one last tender kiss for the evening before snuggling up to Mello's chest and falling asleep seconds later. Mello smiled and stroked Matt's hair softly.

At that I decided all was done, Beyond and I began to crawl back through the vents, but right as I turned around I heard a sleepy mumble of an unmistakable word "Voyeur." That sealed my need to get out first. Had he heard me? Did he see me? Oh god that would be horrible. I quickly crawled through the vents and then sprinted back to my room as fast as my un-athletic body could carry me. I wasn't really a pervert. I was just first to see them, I was curious, yes, it was the first time I had ever seen something of the like. Yes, that was it. It was an observation, and nothing more. I could feel myself grinning but I didn't know why. I did know there may be very many more observations to come. There would be observations, because I am not a voyeur. No, I am not a voyeur. I'm just never far away from these events, yet never quite involved. I'm just… first.


End file.
